Killing Me
by lysser8312
Summary: One shot. After three years of marriage and a failed basketball career Lucas became cold and distant. And after six months of neglect Peyton takes initiative and moves out, leaving Lucas with an ultimatum – self pity or the girl he loves. COMPLETE


**Title: Killing Me**

**Disclaimer:** I don't own anything worth mentioning especially nothing from One Tree Hill or James Lafferty – who I'd like very much, by the way. I also don't own the song used.

**Summary: **One shot. After three years of marriage and a failed basketball career Lucas became cold and distant. And after six months of neglect Peyton takes initiative and moves out, leaving Lucas with an ultimatum – self pity or the girl he loves.

**Author's Note: **So, I have 2 other stories I should be updating but I love this song and felt the need to write something new for now. Sometimes my other stories get a little monotonous so I thought I needed a break and came up with this.

**A Week Earlier**

"_I'll leave, Lucas, if you don't get your act together. You haven't shaved in weeks, you just sit around in sweat pants, eating cereal and watching tv. This isn't a marriage, this is you wallowing in your failure and me trying to keep our lives together. I can't live like this!" Peyton paced the hard wood floors they had installed only 2 years prior. A smart move at the time as it seemed Lucas had a long and prosperous career ahead of him._

_Now, as she paced, she realized how stupid it had been to jump right into the situation without making sure things were as settled as they seemed to be. He laid on the couch across from her, in the sweat pants she had just yelled at him for, rolling his eyes at her rant. Their marriage had fallen apart around the time that the NBA decided he wasn't worth the time. His shoulder had deteriorated all through high school, in conclusion his scoring percentage wasn't what they wanted and they got rid of him._

_And here they were._

"_I'm going to the bar," he said slowly, slipping his feet into his work boots he walked through their front door. He pulled the solid oak door closed behind him as she slid down along the refrigerator, allowing her pent up tears to fall. Her thoughts wandered to what she had done wrong, why he didn't love her anymore and he why he didn't have the time to care.

* * *

_

– '_The cars are passing down below and all that's left of you are all your clothes. You left your key the TV's on, our picture's face down by the alarm clock radio' – _

**Present Time**

**He had returned** home that night to find an empty house. He had spent most of the night at the local bar and after he ran out of money he began the walk home. He had called for her, looked for a note but there was nothing to be found. She was nowhere in sight, and she had left no indication of leaving. He had wandered into their bedroom, the TV was still on as he had left it that afternoon, and all her clothes still hung in the closet.

It had been a week ago that she left and now he laid on their large king size bed, still he hadn't heard from her. Their wedding picture that she had always portrayed proudly on her night stand was still laying face down on the wood of the table, he hadn't bothered to fix it. That was how she had left it, and he was taking it as a sign. Her key still hung ominously on the hook by the front door, she hadn't taken that with her either.

He listened the hustle and bustle of New York City. They had moved there after six months of being married, working for a fresh start. She had gotten a job with a magazine for her art as he had aspired to make his way into the NBA. Only one of their dreams had come true. The cars honked incessantly outside his window, but it didn't phase him as it had when they had first arrived. He remembered many sleepless nights, trying to tune out the cars, the many nights they would both lay there laughing at how noisy the city that never slept was. It hurt now to think of how happy they once were.

"_Does anyone ever sleep?" he had questioned, throwing a pillow over his head, trying to stifle the noise that came through the glass._

"_It's New York City...and you sound like an old man," she giggled, laying on her back staring at the ceiling. Unexpectedly he had been on top of her in seconds, a cross smile making it's way onto his serious face._

"_Can an old man do this?" he leaned in capturing her lips in a kiss, the wedding bliss still hadn't worn off and they spent their nights being newly weds._

That had worn off after his failed basketball career also. He had pulled away from her, and when she tried to get close to him he would push her away, turning his back to her and moving to his own side of their large bed. He could remember hearing her sniffle, and he had known that she cried herself to sleep for months, but still he blocked out all the noise around him, closing his eyes, letting sleep envelope him.

* * *

– '_The only thing you ever wanted was for me to be here to stay, now you've gone away' – _

**He knew things** weren't okay, that she wasn't happy anymore. It was written all over her face, though after seeing the disappointment in her eyes he tried not to look at her anymore. And if he had to he pretended he didn't see the sadness pouring out of her eyes, begging him to come back. She had never once said the words to him, but he knew. He knew she pleaded with him day after day to be there, because even though he was there physically, mentally he hadn't been there for a while. Mentally, he was off in another world where he was playing pro basketball and his physical being had been left to sit on a couch eating Fruity Pebbles and pushing away everyone that cared.

He had pushed Peyton to her breaking point, to the point where work was an escape and when she walked through the door that evening she seemed to suffocate under the weight the house carried. But he tried not to think about how unhappy she had become, because he wasn't happy either. So instead of worrying about her, he got lost in his own misery.

"_Talk to me," she pleaded with him as he sat on a chair in the kitchen._

"_I don't need to talk," he snapped coldly, standing and walking to their bedroom._

"_Yes, you do. You can't bottle all of this in, Luke. I love you," she uttered the words, following after him like a puppy dog._

"_Just leave me the hell alone, Peyton," he slammed the bedroom door behind him as she fell to her knees in tears. Her life was falling apart, being sucked out from under her and there was nothing she could do. She collapsed to the floor in tears while he sat on the edge of the bed letting his head fall into his empty hands. He listened to her cry herself to sleep that night right outside the door, listened to the heart breaking sobs, awaiting the time when she would finally sleep._

_He walked out that morning to see her curled up in a ball on the hallway floor, his eyes were bloodshot as he hadn't slept that night at all. His hair was sticking out in all directions as he stepped over her and left the house without another word.

* * *

_

– '_I wish I could pick up the phone and tell you how I'm feeling, and tell you how I've changed, I'd tell you everything' – _

**It had taken** the whole week to get their house back in proper order. He trashed the pizza boxes and beer crates. He put all the empty bottles in the recycling bin that sat outside their door. He got in the shower that morning and shaved his beard away. He got dressed in presentable clothes and made the bed. Afterwards, he repositioned their picture and hung a few more up on the walls. After that, he made his way into the kitchen and wiped the counters down, and collected the trash he had left in the living room. When the house finally looked decent he went to the store.

He returned with a newspaper, looking for small jobs that would help pay the rent for the time being until he could find something better. He went to an interview the next day and to his surprise he got the job. He went to the store after to pick up food, and when he got home he put it all away in it's respective place.

That night he let his whole body fall onto the bed tiredly, he hadn't voluntarily fallen asleep in over a year. For the past year he had done nothing day after day, no physical exertion to make himself sleep, usually he tossed and turned for hours until sleep came at three in the morning, he would rise at twelve and do nothing all day. Now, for once he was ready to curl up under the covers and let his eyes fall closed.

He stripped the jeans and shirt off of his body until he was left in his boxers and white t-shirt. His long body was confined to the left side of the bed, the side he always slept on. It made it seem like she was really gone if he took the liberty to sleep in the middle, a realization he still had not come to terms with. His eyes wandered over until they landed on the phone – how badly he wished she would call, just so he would know she was okay. And he wanted to call her, to tell her how desperately unhappy he was without her, how he would do anything for her to just come home to him.

* * *

– '_I really don't know if it'd make it all better but I'll let myself go and put it in a letter to you. I know I been stupid and don't have a reason but I'm tryin' not to ruin the one thing I believe in, you' It's killing me, killing you – _

**After two weeks** he found himself at Nathan and Haley's, letter in hand. He knew for a fact she hadn't run there, it was too obvious a spot for her to go. When they answered the door, Haley shook her head disapprovingly at him, if only to make him feel worse for his mistakes. Nathan welcomed him, though he saw the disappointment in his little brother's eyes too.

"Um, I don't know if you know where she is, and I'm not asking you to tell me, I was just wondering...if you could give this to her?" he offered the letter to his brother and Nathan took it wordlessly. He nodded and laid it on the counter behind him. It gave enough conclusion for the blonde boy, at least someone knew she okay, not laying dead in some foreign New York City street.

"Is she okay?"

"She's fine," Haley answered, almost sympathetically. He flashed them a sad smile before turning back to the door and leaving without another word. The drive home was filled with thoughts, where was she? Would they give her the letter? Would the letter make anything better? He shouldn't have shut her out – this he knew, and he didn't have any legitimate reason for being an asshole, but he was trying now. He wanted to salvage what was left of their marriage, he didn't want to ruin whatever small piece of it was left. He still believed in them, that they could still make it. He wasn't willing to give up.

* * *

– '_Remember how you'd drive me mad, you'd leave your rings and jewelry by the bath. Waking up the bed sheets gone. Spend half the night tryin' to steal it back' – _

**He went to **work for the next month in a meaningless daze. His head was always overrun by memories, and he always wondered if she missed him. If she ever thought about him when the day ended and she laid in someone's guest bed at night.

It wasn't far into the month that he found himself at Nathan and Haley's doorstep once more, though Haley wasn't home yet. He had the overwhelming urge to know that she was okay, that she was happy, that she still loved him and wanted to come home.

"Lucas?"

"I need you to answer a few questions, please. Just give me like five minutes."

"Yea, sure," they sat in Nathan's living room as the elder Scott exhaled in extreme exhaustion.

"Do you know where she is, have you talked to her?"

"Yea, I know where she's at. And I've talked to her over the phone. Haley gave her your letter, she called me that night in tears. She's hurting too, Luke. But she thinks this is for the best, I'm gonna respect her decision," Nathan watched his brother with concern.

"Yea, but this decision is killing me, I don't know how much longer I can go on like this -"

"Like what?"

"Without her. I've cleaned myself up, I've changed."

"It's killing her too, man. And maybe she doesn't believe you're gonna stay changed, maybe she thinks it's only temporary? I dunno, but I'm not gonna question her. This is her choice and her life."

"_Peyt, you always do that. You're gonna lose them one day down the drain and you're gonna come crying to me and there will be nothing I can do," he walked into the bedroom in a towel, her wedding ring and necklace in hand._

"_Sorry," she replied innocently, sticking her hand out for the jewelry. _

"_Why do you take all the covers?" he asked the dark room. She stirred slightly before falling back into a deeper sleep. He pulled and tugged but every time he tried she pulled harder, wrapping herself in a little cocoon of sheets and comforters._

God, how he missed her. He missed the way things used to be, when she would walk through the front door with a sparkle in her eye. The nights they would watch movies for hours and be content just being together. He had failed as a husband, he was supposed to take care of her, for better or for worse, he was supposed to be able to make her happy when all she had been was miserable.

* * *

– '_The only thing you ever wanted was for me to be here to stay, now you've gone away. I wish I could pick up the phone and tell you how I'm feeling. Tell you how I've changed, I'll tell you everything' – _

**It was nighttime **again and he laid in bed, comfortably. The shrill ring of the phone startled him and he jumped at the second ring. His hand slowly found the cordless receive and he answered.

"Hello."

"Luke?" a soft, female voice crossed the line as his body stiffened.

"Peyton? It's late," he remarked lamely, his mind had been wiped clean the minute her voice was heard, he felt ridiculous stuttering and tripping over his words.

She laughed gently, "I know. I just thought I should call. It's been a while..."

"Yea, it has. How are you?"

"I'm okay, I guess things could be worse. The better question is how are you? I've been talking to Nathan, he says you don't look so good," she heard him sigh over the line before forming an answer.

"I just haven't been sleeping well, that's all. It's like I'm exhausted when I get home from work, but when I finally let my eyes close...I just picture...I just can't sleep," he covered his slip up quickly, but he knew she noticed.

"You picture what?"

"...you," he whispered, and suddenly the room felt very hot. He felt like he was strangling so he moved to the kitchen, letting his bare feet slide over the cold linoleum.

"Yea..." what could she say to that answer, so instead of sounding like a bumbling lunatic she changed the subject, "So, you got a job?"

"It's just at a small office, I'm not doing anything big right now, but it pays okay and it keeps me busy. I guess it provides a distraction."

"Are you sure you're okay, Luke?"

"Not really, no. I'm...I'm so sorry, Peyton. I didn't mean it, I didn't mean for things to turn out the way they did. I know you weren't happy and I know you cried yourself to sleep at night and I never did anything, and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry, Peyton..." he trailed off as she heard him crying on the other end. Something that shocked the hell out of her, she wasn't sure she had ever seen him so vulnerable.

"I know you are," she spoke softly.

"You don't. You have no idea how horrible I feel. You married me because you thought I was a good guy, but I wasn't. I did nothing but make you miserable. Because I was selfish, because I was so wrapped up in my own failure that I didn't care to see if you were happy or felt loved. But I do, Peyt. I love you with all my heart and I didn't mean to hurt you. I just want you to come home," his words broke her heart. She could hear his tears through the phone and it tore her up inside.

"I want to come home, but I just...I don't know."

"Please. I'm trying, I've changed. The house is clean, I've been doing laundry and paying the bills. I'm better now, I wear jeans and I shave every two days. I don't go to the bar anymore, I'm done drinking. I got a job, and I'm willing to talk if that's what you want. Just, please, please come home to me. I need you here. I'll make you happy, I'll love you unconditionally, I want you. Please, Peyton...please come home," he sobbed again, his words were quiet but came from his heart.

There was silence from the other line, and his heart beat was rapid as he wondered if she hung up.

"Please," he was desperate, he need to feel her again. He needed her touch to make him feel whole and he would sacrifice everything to not have to feel the way he did right then.

"Okay..." her own tears fell as she continued to answer, "I'll come home. Just, you have to promise me something, Luke," she sniffled and wiped her own tears.

"Anything."

"Just promise me that you'll be the man you used to be, the one who I married, who made me happy. The guy I loved more than anything. I need him back if this is going to work," he gave a watery smile though she couldn't see him.

"I can be him, Peyton. Can I come get you?"

"Yea," his hands were shaking as he slipped his shoes on his feet, he threw the front door open with the cordless still at his ear. He flew down the hallway to find a curly blonde on the steps, cell phone in hand.

* * *

– '_I really don't know if it'd make it all better, but I let myself go and put it in a letter. I know I been stupid and don't have a reason, but I'm tryin not to ruin the one thing I believe in , you. It's killing me, killing you' – _

**She turned at** the sound of footsteps, her eyes were red and the tears still fell down her cheeks. His own appearance matched hers as she stood and walked to him. He looked disheveled and tired, but as a smile appeared on his face everything seemed to clear away.

"I missed you," he whispered as she flung herself into his open arms. She buried her face in the crook of his neck, her tears fell swiftly as her chest heaved. He held her tightly, it was an overwhelming feeling to have her back in his arms.

"I missed you too," she told him softly as she still remained in his arms.

"I'm so sorry, Peyton."

She brushed his comment away, "I love you."

"I love you too," he said sincerely, more earnestly than ever before. He had never meant it more than he did in that moment.

* * *

– '_It's killing me, it's killing you, you're all that I want. And you're all that I need and now that you're gone, I see it' – _

**One Year Later**

**It had been** a year since that day she returned. A year since he made that promise and for 365 days he had kept it. He spent every day making up for his stupidity, and Peyton had never been happier with him.

"_For better, for worse. For richer for poorer, do you Lucas Eugene Scott take Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer to be your lawfully wedded wife?"_

"_I do"_

They had gotten a bigger apartment in a better area of New York and Lucas had successfully made his way up the ladder at work. He was a big associate now, and things were going smoothly.

"Peyton?" he entered their apartment, his eyes scanning the area for his wife.

She wandered out of the bathroom with red, puffy eyes – he knew quickly that she was crying.

"What's wrong? What happened?" he wrapped his arms around her, holding her for a minute before wiping her tears away.

"Nothing's wrong," she gave him a watery smile and he laughed. "But I did find something out."

"Well..."

"I'm pregnant, Luke," she grinned happily, and his initial reaction was shock, but after a few minutes a smile tugged on the corners of his mouth.

"I love you so much, Peyton. This is great!"

"Yea?" she questioned.

"Yea, it's perfect. What do you think?" he questioned her and she faltered for a minute.

"I'm happy," she told him in complete honesty, and he smiled in satisfaction – that was all he wanted to hear.

"_Do you Peyton Elizabeth Sawyer take Lucas Eugene Scott to be your lawfully wedded husband?"_

"_I do."

* * *

_

**Okay, so what do you think? I liked it, very angsty, I know, but I like the song, so tell me what you thought. REVIEW!**

"**Killing Me" - Graham Colton Band**


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